The Other Revenge of the Sith

A satirical take on Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

Disclaimer

Obi Wan: This should be easy.

Anakin: Master, there are a lot of incoming fighters.

Obi Wan: Oh… Odd Ball, do you copy? We need some cannon fodder here. You non-Jedi are expendable; get your ass over here!

A space fighter battle ensues.

Anakin: The other pilots are dying. I’m going to help them!

Obi Wan: No Ani, first Jedi rule: “Survive”. They have their job, we have ours. Pity for them that theirs does not include surviving.
(to himself): He still has much to learn. Cowardice is a Jedi’s best friend.

Suddenly a missile explodes nearby and droids jump onto Obi Wan’s ship.

Obi Wan: Oh darn, Ani, I -ehm- I’m not gonna make it. You go on alone and do all the work.

Anakin: I’ll not leave you behind master!

Obi Wan: Darn it.

Anakin makes short work of the droids and the Jedi enter the decompressing hangar bay of General Grievous’s ship. They jump out of their ships and more fighting ensues. Luckily, Jedi are resistant to rapid de- and re-pressurization.

Obi Wan: <insert lame joke here>.

Anakin: Ha, ha, ha. This is easy.

R2D2: beep-ah-di-beep-snort. (Easy because I’m doing all the work, you pricks).

Because of R2’s good work, the two Jedis quickly find themselves on an empty observation deck. Only Palpatine sits there, restrained in a chair.

Obi Wan: Good day, Chancellor. You being in this room all alone waiting for us is not suspicious at all.

Palpatine: Look it’s Count Dooku. You’d better run and get help. “Cowardice is a Jedi’s best friend” and all.

Obi Wan: No, no. Sith lords are our specialty.

Dooku crushes Obi Wan’s legs beneath an overhanging balcony.

Count Dooku: “Sith lords are our specialty” indeed.

Anakin: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count. I checked with the Light-Side-Power-O-Meter ™ in the Jedi temple.

Count Dooku: Yeah. Right. You’re twice as annoying at the very least. You have much anger in you. You should talk to Yoda about that.

Anakin artfully slices off Dooku’s hands and places both his and Dooku’s lightsaber against the count’s neck.

Palpatine: Kill him, kill him now… and I mean that in the most non-evil kind of way.

A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin’s left shoulder: Killing evil is be. Lead to Dark Side it will.

A tiny Emperor with horns on Anakin’s right shoulder: Just do it. The Light Side is for shriveled old frogs.

Anakin: ‘Killing evil is be’? That’s not even English. Aw screw it, I always wanted to see what kind of damage these lightsabers could do.

Count Dooku: No! No, I’m cut out of a movie. Again!

Exit Count Dooku (head first).

Palpatine: Right. Let’s get out of here.

Anakin: I’m not leaving Obi Wan!

Palpatine: There’s no time. Besides, he’s been next to useless so far.

Obi Wan: I’m still alive!

Palpatine: Just leave him or we’ll never make it. Remember: “Cowardice is a Jedi’s best friend.”

Obi Wan: I can still walk! The balcony that dropped on my legs was… like… really light… or something.

Palpatine (covering bad writing and directing): Look, there. General Grievous!

Grievous: Ha, ha, *cough*, *cough*, I’ll kill you.

More fighting ensues. Droids die. Jedis swirl their sabers. Then the ships starts to crash to the planet below.

Grievous: So much for my master plan of coming here and taking the Chancellor. *cough*, *cough*, I think I’d better split.

Obi Wan: He fled using an escape pod! Lucky bastard. Er, I mean, Anakin can you fly this thing?

Anakin: Like that matters. This ship is more akin to a falling boulder at the moment. And I think half of the ship just fell off.

Obi Wan: Not to worry. We’re still flying half a ship.

Anakin: Yeah. The part without the engines.

Obi Wan: Not to worry. George Lucas won’t kill us, he needs us for episode four, five and six.

R2D2: bleep-bleep-snort. (*groan*).

The ship, despite its lack of wings, defies all laws of physics and glides down to a conveniently placed landing strip instead of dropping to the ground like a rock. The ship grinds it way into the ground, destroying some surrounding buildings, killing a score more people, then comes to a halt.

Obi Wan: Another happy landing!

The heroes go to the senate building where they are met by Samuel L. Jackson.

Samuel: Glad you’re back, Palpatine. We’ve missed your power-hungry war-mongering.

Palpatine: Well, your two Jedi friends kicked Dooku’s ass, but the droid General escaped.

Samuel: The coughing droid? Who gives a shit.

Palpatine: The corrupt senate will vote for war as long as he’s alive.

Samuel: He’s a droid and therefor not alive. Problem solved!

Palpatine: I’m not falling for that one again. This time I selected… Er, I mean, the evil General has a heart and thus is alive!

Samuel: Damn it. The Jedi’ll make killing him a top priority then. Well, next to surviving that is. And cowardice. Cowardice is our main virtue. And Stupidity…

They trail off and the view shifts to show Padmé standing in the shadows. Anakin runs to her and kisses her, doing a fine job of hiding his marriage by smooching her in the most public spot on Coruscant.

Anakin: Padmé! Thank god the chancellor got kidnapped, or I would have been on the outer rim -like- forever. You look beautiful!

Padmé: It’s only because I’m so in love…

Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

Padmé: *barf*

Anakin: ?

Padmé: I’m sorry about that. Morning sickness. Ani, I’m pregnant!

Anakin: …*groan* … T-that’s… wonderful. Wait, how long was I in the outer rim again?

Padmé: Don’t worry, for the rest of this movie I’ll be a good little wife and do nothing but sit at home and watch soap operas!

That night Anakin has a terrible dream. Padmé is dying in child birth.

Padmé: What’s wrong? Did my curling irons scare you again?

Anakin: Worse. I dreamed of you dying in childbirth.

Padmé: Oh no. Maybe you should ask Obi Wan for help? He’s really good with his tongue… at talking. Yes, talking.

Anakin: No, we really don’t need his ‘help’.

Padmé: How about Yoda? He’s really good with his… ehm… stick.

And so, the next day, Anakin ends up in a dark room meditating with Yoda.

Yoda: Of these visions to me you speak.

Anakin: Well, I see someone close to me dying.

Yoda: Oh, but good that be. Death a part of life is! Rejoice, as people join the force.

Anakin: Ehm… Yoda, easy for you to say. You’re like… 900 years old. She’s in her twenties.

Yoda: Fear of death to the Dark Side leads.

Anakin: Master Yoda, why does everything lead to the Dark Side? Like ‘not getting you another beer from the fridge’ leads to the Dark Side. And ‘not buying you a new lightsaber with built-in MP3 player’ leads to the Dark Side.

Yoda: Attachment leads to jealousy. That leads to the Dark Side. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
Courage it takes to face your fears. Jedi have that not. Cowardice a Jedi’s best friend is.

Anakin: What?! I’m out of here you old coot. I’ve already missed a meeting with Obi Wan to listen to this drivel.

Anakin stalks off and enters the briefing room, where he has just missed the briefing.

Obi Wan: You’re late! You’ve missed the briefing.

Anakin: *Sigh* I have no excuse.

Obi Wan: Aw, who cares. Everything is going well. More or less. Only thing is, the Senate gave Palpatine more power. He’s on the field outside the Jedi Temple right now, laughing maniacally and giving us the finger.

Anakin: And? More power to Palpatine means more action. We can kick more ass!

Obi Wan: Be careful of your friend Palpatine.

Anakin: Huh?

Obi Wan: The Jedi councel can’t put their fingers -or equivalent appendages- on it, but something is off about Palpatine…
He wants to see you, by the way. You’d better get going.

Cut to the Chancellor’s quarters. Anakin and Palpatine are speaking.

Palpatine: I need your help.

Anakin: Huh?

Palpatine: I want you on the Jedi council.

Anakin: Er. Chancellor, they elect their own members.

Palpatine: Oh, I think they will listen to me. I have pictures of Yoda and a certain Twi’lek Padawan in his training that will make him do as I ask.

Cut to the Jedi council. Yoda is there, as is Anakin, and the guy with the high forehead, and of course Samuel L. Jackson.

Yoda: Palpatine’s meddling lightly we take not.

Anakin: Yeah, yeah. So am I in?

Samuel: You’re on the council, but you’re no master. Nah-nah-na-nah-nah.

Anakin (whining): That’s not fair. I wanna be a master. I’m way cooler than you, Samuel L. Jackson.

Samuel: Just sit down and shut up. Look, we have to do something about the droids attacking the Wookie planet.

Yoda: I will go myself. I have a special ‘relationship’ with the Wookies.

Samuel (looks oddly at Yoda): … right.

The council disbands and Obi Wan and Anakin walk off together.

Anakin (still whining): I wanna be a master.

Obi Wan: Oh shut up. You’re lucky you’re even on the council, they don’t trust your friendship with Palpatine. The council just did it so can spy on him.

Anakin: What! Spying on the chancellor is treason.

Obi Wan: Ehm… he put you on the council so you could spy for him.

Anakin: That’s different. He’s a really nice guy.

Obi Wan: Search your feelings. Perhaps there is something more hidden behind his facade of power-mongering, corruption, and meddling. I can’t really put my finger on what, but something strange is going on. Be careful.

Obi Wan walks off to confer with Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson, leaving Anakin to ponder things.

Samuel: I don’t think it’s smart to put Anakin and Palpatine together. Anakin’s a loose cannon as it is.

Obi Wan: But he’s the chosen one! He’ll bring balance to the force. He’ll, like, kill all the Sith, who we thought were already extinct, so that there is only the Light Side, which is balance.

Yoda: Somehow add up that does not. Maybe misread the prophecy was somehow.

Samuel: Huh? Another form of balance between the Dark Side and the Light Side besides there only being the Light Side. No. It does not make sense. Maybe if I was as smart as you, Yoda.

Yoda: After 900 years, not even grammar have I mastered. Beyond me it is also. Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: What were we talking about again? I’m hungry.

Later that night. Chancellor Palpatine is watching some kind of performance. Anakin walks in and speaks to him.

Palpatine: Hello Anakin. My clones have found General Grievous in a remote system. The council should send you to kick his ass. I mean, you’re a really good Jedi. Do sit down by the way.

Palpatine gestures his cronies to leave in a way that would make the Mafia proud. Anakin sits down.

Palpatine: You know, the Jedi council is really evil.

Anakin: Huh?

Palpatine: Yeah, they clearly want to control the Republic, while I am ruling it so very democratically at the moment.

Anakin: They’ve been mean to me. Samuel L. Jackson passed a note to Yoda yesterday during the council meeting, and I think it was a drawing of me with a really tiny… lightsaber. And Yoda snickered.

Palpatine: You poor boy. You know the Sith and the Jedi really aren’t that different. Those with power fear most to lose that power.

Anakin: No way, the Sith are arrogant egotistical power-hungry cowards…
I see your point. Their light sabers are a different color though.

Palpatine: Have you ever heard of Darth Plagus the Wise?

Anakin: No… Darth Plagus the Wise. Who makes these retarded names up?

Palpatine: Shut up or I’ll call you Darth Dickus after I turn you to the Dark-
Ehm, ahem – Darth Plagus was so wise that he could actually stop people from dying. But it’s a power some consider unnatural – like the Jedi, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Anakin: Sith are cool. Ehm. What happened to him?

Palpatine: Well, in the end he was brought down because he feared to lose his power. He taught his apprentice everything. And then his apprentice killed him in his sleep.

Anakin: How is that related to fear? It seems he was simply betrayed by someone close to him.

Palpatine: Well. Er. Look. The point is: Sith have power to keep from dying! Power! Not Dying. Nice!

Anakin: Ooh. Power. So, can I learn this power?

Palpatine: Not from a Jedi…

Anakin: From a wookie then?

Palpatine: No.

Anakin: From a droid. A droid could teach me?

Palpatine: No, from a Sith, you dolt.

Anakin: Oh. You don’t say…

Palpatine: Oh shut up and go inform the council I’ve found Grievous.

Later, the Jedi sit in council. Yoda is there by a live uplink. High-forehead guy is there, as is Obi Wan, and of course Samuel L. Jackson.

Anakin: Palpatine has found Grievous. He wants me to go kick his ass. Can I? Can I?

Yoda: Not fast so. The council its own mind will make up… er… its own mind make up it will.. or mind own up… it… Let’s just send Obi Wan.

High-forehead guy: I concur.

Yoda: Alright then. I have to go with the wookies and… fight some droids.

Anakin: Hey!

The projection of Yoda disappears and the Jedi leave the council room, leaving a grumbling Anakin. Later, he has another vision of Padmé. She appears in the throws of… childbirth. This time, Obi Wan is leaning over her and whispering words of encouragement. Then Anakin wakes up from his vision and finds himself back in Padmé’s appartment.

Anakin: You look beautiful!

Padmé: It’s only because I’m so in love…

Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

Padmé: *barf*

Anakin: Morning sickness again? Has Obi Wan been here?

Padmé (humming to herself and smiling): Yes, he was here this morning. Why?

Anakin: What did he want?

Padmé: What do any of the Jedi who come by here want? Ehm. Yes. *cough* He was worried about you.

Anakin (frothing at the mouth): Worried? Well. I am a bit… lost. The council doesn’t trust me, just because I’m acting a little psychotic. And I don’t know why. It’s not like I’ve committed murder or anything… recently. I just want more power.
Oh yeah, and I’ve found a way to save you.

Padmé: Huh?

Anakin: Save you from my nightmare.

Padmé: Look, Ani, I promise I won’t die in childbirth.

Anakin: No. I promise you.

Padmé: *barf*

Switch to Obi Wan arriving on a remote planet. By an enormous coincidence he manages to land in exactly the place where General Grievous is hiding. The local populace warns him, and he sneaks into Grievous’s headquarters.
Grievous is talking to the resistance leaders.

Grievous: You’re being shipped to Mustafar. It’s a lava filled hell-hole. You’ll be… safe there.

Whiny Viceroy: Look, your stupid stunt at the beginning of the movie got Dooku killed and cost you a lot of ships. I think you’re malfunctioning.

Grievous: *cough*, *cough*. Shut up.

The leaders are packed up and escorted out. All of a sudden Obi Wan drops down into the horde of droids in a move both stupid and melodramatic.

Obi Wan: Hello there.

Grievous: That was a stupid move. And melodramatic.

Obi Wan: I’m counting on your stupidity to overcome mine.

Grievous: And rightly so, *cough*, *cough*. Count Dooku trained me in the arts of Jedi fighting, you fool, so instead of having my droids shoot you on the spot, I’ll fight you myself.

Grievous takes off his mantle and reveals four arms, each carrying a lightsaber. Fighting ensues. Luckily for Obi Wan, the droid is an incompetent fighter and mostly uses only one or two of the lightsabers to parry Obi Wan, forgetting to use the remaining two to skewer the incompetent Jedi master.

Grievous: You must realize, you are doomed.

Obi Wan: I don’t think so.

At this point, Obi Wan decides to actually use his powers and flings Grievous away. To increase the melodramatic effect, this does not kill Grievous, but allows him to escape in a strange vehicle. A visual effects extravaganza is bound to follow.
For the moment, the view cuts to the Jedi council, where Anakin and Samuel L. Jackson are present. Yoda and high-forehead guy are there as holographic projections. There’s also a projection of one of the clones.

Clone: Obi Wan has engaged Grievous.

Samuel: Are you doing anything useful to help him kill the General?

Clone: No, not really, we’re more involved in causing general mayhem and allowing the budget for useless special effects to be spent. Clone out.

Samuel: Oh, good. Anakin, go to the Chancellor and tell him this.

Anakin leaves and only the Jedi masters remain.

Samuel: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi. The Dark Side surrounds the Chancellor. I wonder what it could all mean.

Yoda: Not a clue, I have. Ooh…erk… Chewbacca, touching me there you stop!
Er- hear that, you did not.

High-forehead guy: Hmm. I still don’t have a clue what’s going on, but if the Chancellor stays in power after we kill Grievous, we should remove him ourselves.

Samuel: We’d have to seize power in the republic! A pity there’s no other thing we can do. The Dark Side seems to surround the Chancellor, he is a near-dictator who is trying to corrupt our prodigy, Anakin, and somebody is plotting to destroy the Jedi. No matter how hard I think, the pieces just don’t seem to fit together.

Yoda: Seizing power leads to the Dark Side. Great care we should take. Remember, cowardice a Jedi’s best friend is!

Meanwhile, Anakin arrives in Chancellor’s chambers.

Anakin: So, Obi Wan is fighting Grievous at the moment.

Palpatine: Let’s hope he’s up to the task. I kind of have some doubts, Dooku kicking his ass in under five seconds and all.

Anakin: I should be with him.

Palpatine: The council doesn’t seem to appreciate you.

Anakin: I get the feeling I’m not part of the club anymore. I wanna be a master too! It just seems that they don’t trust me, just because I’m your lackey.
I also know there are things about the force they are not telling me.

Palpatine: You mean the Dark Side? It just so happens I know a lot about that.

Anakin: Huh?

Palpatine: Hello! Yoohoo, is anybody in there. I am a Sith Lord. Damn, you Jedi are a bunch of stupid sods.

Anakin: Wait a minute… you’re, like, a Sith Lord!

Palpatine: Duh! Look, my plan to set you against the council and lure you to the Dark Side is far too well-written. I’m trying it another – more crappy – way: I can give you the power to save your wife from certain death.

Anakin: What did you say?

Palpatine: Use my knowledge!

Anakin: No. I’m turning you in.

Palpatine: Ok. But you don’t know what the Jedi are going to do, do you?

Anakin: Ehm. Arrest and execute you.

Palpatine: Hmmm. Perhaps you do know. Off with you then. Remember though, I can help you save Padmé.

As promised, another drawn out special effects scene featuring Obi Wan and General Grievous. Since there is now proof of Palpatine’s evil, the killing of General Grievous is more or less completely unimportant. It is melodramatic, however, and involves Obi Wan forgetting to use his powers again. He finally manages to use a blaster to shoot Grievous to smithereens. Or more accurately, in the heart below his chest-plate.
After that the view switches back to Samuel L. Jackson and Anakin in the Jedi Temple.

Anakin: I have just learned a terrible truth. Palpatine is a Sith Lord.

Samuel: What?! I did not see that coming. Are you certain? Is he not just another dictator who wants to control the universe? If he is, we really couldn’t care less. He’s really a Sith Lord?

Anakin: Uh-huh.

Samuel: Then our worst fears have been realized. We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to survive. There are only hundreds of us, and there is at least one of him.
If only we’d taken one or two seconds over the past few years to sense if the chancellor could use the force. If only we’d known his mad grab for power was leading to the Dark Side.
In hindsight all things seem so much clearer.

Anakin: I should come with you. He’s very strong.

Samuel: We can handle it. If you’re right, though, you will have gained my trust.

Anakin: What? You didn’t trust me?

Samuel: Just wait in the council chamber.

Samuel L. Jackson climbs into a ship with some expendable Jedi.

Samuel: Alright, clone trooper pilot who is loyal to Palpatine, take us to the council chamber!
(to himself): I still have the nagging feeling I’m missing something.

And so, Anakin sits alone in the council chamber.

A tiny Emperor with horns on Anakin’s right shoulder: You can’t save Padmé without me.

A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin’s left shoulder: Listen to him, you should not. Wars do not make one great.

Anakin: The war seems to have made the Chancellor pretty powerful.

A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin’s left shoulder: Thinking of that kind to the Dark Side leads.

Anakin: Just screw you, I’m going.

Anakin jumps into a speeder and heads for the senate building.
Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson and the three expendable Jedi enter Palpatine’s chambers.

Palpatine: Howdie.

Samuel: You’re under arrest, Sith.

Palpatine: Look, behind you!

As the four turn, Palpatine attacks, quickly killing the three expendable Jedi. More fighting ensues. Finally, Samuel is able to subdue the chancellor.
Then, Anakin enters.

Samuel: I told you I could handle this.

Palpatine: Help. He’s trying to take over the Republic.

Anakin: Like I’m going to fall for that one.

Palpatine: Darn it. Eat electric rays Samuel!

Palpatine fires electrical rays at Samuel, who manages to use his lightsaber to deflect them back at the chancellor.

Palpatine: I can save Padmé. Don’t let him kill me.

Samuel: You’re killing yourself, you idiot. Turn off the electric rays.

Palpatine: I can’t hold on any longer.

Samuel: You stupid git, you’ve deformed yourself. I’ve had it with you. You’ve killed a lot of Jedi. Oh, and non-jedi too. I’m going to execute you.

Anakin: He should stand trial. Killing is not the Jedi way.

Samuel: Ehm. Anakin. Killing Sith is the Jedi way. Besides, he’s corrupted both the courts and the senate.

Anakin: I need him to save Padmé. There is no other conceivable way to save Padmé. He can’t be lying about giving me the power to save her. And it’s not possible that my current actions are actually the cause of her death.

Samuel makes to kill the chancellor. Anakin intervenes by cutting off Samuel’s hand. The Chancellor immediately uses his electric rays to electrocute Samuel, flinging him to his death. He shouts ‘Power’ at the top of his lungs while doing it.

Anakin: That looked a bit excessive.

Palpatine: Eh. Maybe.

Anakin (sitting down in shock): What have I done?

Palpatine: Forget about it. Become my apprentice!

Anakin (shrugs): Okay.

Palpatine: Good.

Anakin: I’ll do anything you ask. Just help me save Padmé.

Palpatine: Ehm… about that… I don’t really have that power… as such. But! Together I know we’ll figure it out.

Anakin: I should feel cheated by this. Let me see, the Jedi really weren’t corrupt. You promised me the secret to saving Padmé, but now you can’t deliver…
Thinking is hard.
I’ll just pledge myself to you, it’s easier.

Palpatine: Good. The force is strong in you. You’ll be a good Sith. Henceforth, you shall be known as… the Fellowship of the Ring.
No wait. I mean, henceforth, you shall be known as… Darth Dickus!

Anakin: Darth Dickus?!

Palpatine: Had you there, boy, didn’t I? Just Kidding. Henceforth, you shall be known as… Darth Vader!

Anakin: Okay. So, now what?

Palpatine: The Jedi are a problem. Go to the temple and kill the lot of them. Then, go the lava planet of Mustafar and wipe out the separatists. I’ll have my corrupt clone troopers do the rest.

Anakin: Okay.

Palpatine: Go then, Lord Vader. Oh, and work on your scary voice while you’re at it.

A scene of utter horror unfolds. Anakin walks into the Jedi temple accompanied by an army of clone troopers. There he slaughters a lot of Jedi… Well some children Jedi anyway.
Palpatine gives order ‘sixty-six’ to his clone troopers who start to kill the Jedi. We see Jedi after Jedi struck down. They are so surprised by the clone troopers betrayal, that they forget to use their Jedi powers. Deadly traps of all sorts they can avoid, but it seems that they are no match for two or three clone troopers. If only they had used their prescience to see this coming. But alas, they all die. The universe weeps.
Only Yoda and Obi Wan survive, because George Lucas needs them in episode four through six.
The view shifts to Yoda and two wookies preparing a hidden shuttle as they cleverly evade the clone troopers.

Yoda (looking dewy eyed at his two wookie friends): Goodbye, Tarfful. Goodbye, Chewbacca. Miss you, I will. Run away I must. Remember, Cowardice a Jedi’s best friend is!

Chewbacca: *Roar*

The two wookies look at Yoda, then at each other.

Tarfful: *Roar* (I will miss him. He was so good with his… stick).

Chewbacca: *Roar* (Perhaps we should have hidden a bigger ship here, then we could have gone with him instead of being enslaved for the next ten years or so).

Back on coruscant, Anakin visits his wife.

Anakin: Padmé! You look beautiful!

Padmé: It’s only because I’m so in love…

Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

Padmé: *barf*

Anakin: Still having morning sickness? Wait… it’s night.

Padmé: Ehm. What happened at the Jedi temple? It’s on fire. Was Yoda playing with matches again?

Anakin: No. The Jedi have betrayed the Republic and the Senate!

Padmé: Really? Hmmm. Being a senator myself, I will… do nothing but sit here and do your laundry. Is that okay?

Anakin: It is good, wife. Now then, I must be off to the Mustafar system to kill some more people… I mean, to bring the Chancellor’s ‘justice’… I mean -Ehm- Goodbye.

Anakin steps into his space ship, which R2D2 is strapped into already.

C3PO: He’s under a lot of stress, isn’t he?

R2D2: Bleep-di-bleep (for the love of god, don’t leave me alone with this maniac!)

C3PO (waves): Take care little friend.

R2D2: bleep-snort (I’ll get you for this, you filthy gold-plated toaster).

Anakin and R2 zoom off into the night.

C3PO: Oh my lady, is there anything I might do?

Padmé: Well… do you have a ‘computer interface spike’ like the one that comes out of R2? And does it vibrate?

The view fades out, then back in to Senator Organa’s ship, where Obi Wan and Yoda are reunited.

Organa: So, after I saw the temple being attacked by a gazillion troops, I decided to go to the outer rim and look for Yoda. And a good thing too. He was flying in exactly the wrong direction to get to Coruscant.

Yoda: Yes, heh, heh, *gulp*. Unfortunate that was.

Obi Wan: Did any others survive?

Yoda: Of that a clue I have not.

Organa: There’s a distress signal coming from the Jedi temple telling everybody to return there post-haste.

Obi Wan: And thousands of bodies and Clone troops await them in the burning temple remains. There’s no way that any Jedi are smart enough to evade that trap.

Yoda: *Sigh* Turn it off, you want?

Obi Wan: I’d hoped you could, you know, go and do that… by yourself. One of us should survive at least. Cowardice is a Jedi’s best friend. And I’m the youngest. Just be happy you can join the force!

Yoda: On your life, not! Go together we shall!

Obi Wan: Damn it.

Meanwhile on Mustafar. The planet is really, really hot, and looks really, really inhospitable. There is one small building with the Separatist leaders in it. The Viceroy is on the line with Palpatine.

Viceroy: Well, your plan worked.

Palpatine: Pretty neat, huh? You hadn’t expected that when you met that hunchbacked guy in the cloak all those years ago! But it worked.

Viceroy: So, can we go back to joining the Republic now? I haven’t been home in years.

Palpatine: No, my new apprentice needs some more slaughtering practice… Er, I mean, my new apprentice Darth Vader will ‘take care of you’.

Viceroy: Oh, that’s nice.

Palpatine: Ah, there he is now! Goodbye.

Viceroy: Welcome, Lord Vader. Say, ehm, you look a bit… insane.

Anakin: …

Anakin uses his power to close all the doors.

Viceroy: Right. I’m getting a bit uncomfortable.

Anakin starts to kill the lot of them, slicing them down one by one.

Viceroy: Oh crap. Who could have known that joining forces with a guy in a creepy suit and trying to start a war could lead to this?!

Anakin: …

Viceroy: Look, Lord Sidious promised us peace.

And Anakin kills the Viceroy, leaving him alone on a hell-hole lava planet with a bunch of dead bodies.
He decides to stick around for a while.

Switching to Coruscant. Obi Wan and Yoda are fighting their way into the Jedi temple. Lucky for them, the Chancellor did not put enough clone troopers in his trap to have it actually be effective against more than one Jedi.

Yoda: Slipped in undetected we could have, but, no, take a leak you had to.

Obi Wan: Hey. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

After a very short battle, the clone troopers are all dead. They walk into the temple. There are a bunch of dead younglings.

Yoda: Killed by a lightsaber they were. The clone troopers shot the strong adult Jedi, but these weak untrained younglings were killed by another Jedi.

Obi Wan: Who could do such a thing? I don’t know anybody who was being corrupted by evil. Nobody who was always bitching that the council was holding him back. Nobody that could turn to the Dark Side under Palpatine’s wing. Although, something tickles at the back of my mind. Ah well, let’s continue.

They walk on and recalibrate the distress signal. It now tells all the Jedi to turn tail and run like girls (which is coincidentally the default setting).

Yoda: Right, out of here let’s get.

Obi Wan: Your grammar’s getting worse, you know that? I want to look at the security tapes first.

Yoda: Only pain will you find there!

Obi Wan: Yeah, yeah, like the time I looked under your bed and found those naughty magazines there, I bet. I’m looking.

The tape shows Anakin killing the younglings. Then it shows him and Palpatine together, both in their Sith suits.

Palpatine: You did well, my apprentice. Now, Lord Vader, go to the planet Musta-

Obi Wan turns the recording off.

Obi Wan: No, it can’t be. It is so unexpected. Who could have foreseen this?

Yoda: Ehm.. Yeah. Kill the Sith, we should. One we will kill each.

Obi Wan: Why not go together?

Yoda: Smart that would be, yet smart we are not. Go and find Anakin.

Obi Wan: I don’t want to. Send me to kill the Emperor. Besides I have no idea where Anakin has gone.

Yoda: Emperor? What Emperor. Missed something I have?

Cut to the council chamber. Palpatine is giving a speech. Padmé is listening intently, as Senator Organa walks in.

Organa: What’s been happening?

Padmé: The Chancellor has just explained that the Jedi tried to take over the republic and that they are being hunted down and massacred. Serves them right for maintaining the peace in the Republic for so long.

Organa: Ehm. Yeah. What’s with the gloomy cloak and scary voice?

Padmé: His cloak and the creepy voice? He was just explaining that.

Palpatine: Even though I cut myself shaving this morning, my resolve has never been stronger! Oh, and by the way, I’m turning the Republic into a Galactic Empire!

Padmé: So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.

Organa: Perhaps you should have been here voting and doing something about it, instead of sitting at home entertaining all those Jedi and being pregnant.

Padmé: Shut up.

Back to Obi Wan and Yoda.

Yoda: Oh right, that Emperor. Go kill the Emperor I shall. Obi Wan, Anakin you shall murder.

Obi Wan: No, I can’t. I also have no idea where he is. I don’t know where to look.

Yoda: Use your feelings, Obi Wan, and find him you will. Or at the security tapes you look.

Obi Wan: Of course! Padmé will know where he went. I’m off!

Yoda: Idiot.

A little later in Padmé’s home.

Obi Wan: Look, I need to find Anakin, he’s become evil!

Padmé: No way. He’s slightly psychotic, maybe, but evil, never.

Obi Wan: I saw a security tape of him killing younglings. It was all Palpatine’s fault!

Padmé: I don’t believe you. I can’t.

She looks pointedly at her swollen belly.

Obi Wan: … Anakin’s the father, isn’t he?

Padmé looks away guiltily.

Obi Wan: I knew it wasn’t really Jar-jar’s baby.

Obi Wan leaves.
Later, Padmé takes her shuttle to go look for Anakin. Obi Wan stealthily sneaks aboard.

Obi Wan: Ha, ha, ha! My plan is working perfectly. I will find Anakin in no time.

Meanwhile, in the Chancellor’s chamber, Palpatine is talking to Anakin using his holographic hotline. Both are wearing their Sith suits.

Anakin (in sinister voice): The separatists are dead, my master.

Palpatine (in sinister voice): It is finished then. You have done well. And your scary voice is nearly as good as mine now. Good.

Anakin: Thank you… ehm…
Anakin (in sinister voice): Thank you. Gotta go, there’s a ship coming in.

Anakin rushes out to see Padmé walking out of her ship.

Anakin: Padmé! You look beautiful!

Padmé: It’s only because I’m so in love…

Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

Padmé: *barf*

Anakin: Still having morning sickness? By the way, since you’re having this baby any day now, should you be traveling? And you look really thin, is the baby alright? Have you even seen a gynecologist at all?

Padmé: I had to come. Obi Wan said you were evil! That you killed younglings.

Anakin: Obi Wan is an idiot.

Padmé: All I want is your love!

Anakin: My love can’t save you, only my new powers can.

Padmé: Your new powers? They can save me from your nightmare?

Anakin: Well… er… not as such, no, but Lord Sidious and I are getting there! I won’t lose you like I lost my mother: kidnapped and beaten to death by Sand People.

Padmé: Yeah. Like that was really going to happen with me as a Senator on Coruscant. Let’s just go away together.

Anakin: No. I’m really powerful now, so we don’t have to run away. I know, I’ll kill the chancellor and we can rule the galaxy together. That’ll be fun!

Padmé: You’re insane.

Anakin: No I’m not! It’s just that they’re all against me. I did this for you, you know!

Obi Wan steps out of the shuttle.

Anakin: …You lied Padmé! Forget what I said.

He chokes her using his powers, then flings her into a corner.

Obi Wan: Didn’t you turn to the Dark Side for her?

Anakin: Eh. Maybe. It’s all your fault!

Obi Wan: You’re clearly evil. I’ll kill you.

Anakin: You will try.

The last of the special effects budget is used up in a massive lightsaber fight. Anakin and Obi Wan battle their way across the lava processing facility.

Meanwhile in the Emperor’s chamber.

Yoda: Howdie, Lord Sidious.

Palpatine: After all these years, you’ve finally figured it out! Now die, Master Yoda.

A fight ensues. The Emperor cackles maniacally, like the stereotype villain he is. Yoda fights, like the muppet he is.
Then, after some thick lightsaber combat, Yoda decides to call it quits.

Yoda: Tired I am. Someone else the dirty work can do. Cowardice a Jedi’s best friend is.

And so Yoda leaves with Senator Organa.
The view switches back to the fight between Anakin and Obi Wan. Although Anakin is the most powerful Jedi ever, he appears incapable of defeating Obi Wan. Finally, Obi Wan jumps onto the shore of a lava river.
Anakin is near, but lower, on a hovering platform.

Obi Wan: Anakin. It’s over. I have the high ground.

Anakin: Screw you. You underestimate my power.

Once again, Anakin misjudges his abilities. He tries to jump over Obi Wan, but in one sweep Obi Wan severs both his legs and his good arm, which is an astonishing feat considering that it is physically impossible.
Anakin falls backwards onto the hillside, sliding slowly into the lava. If only he had used the floating platform he was on to fly over Obi Wan, instead of jumping.

Obi Wan: You were the chosen one! It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them! You were to bring balance to the force!
Not like now, with only two Light Side Jedi and two Dark Side Sith left, which is completely unbala-
…Okay, I think I’ve finally figured out where we went wrong with that prophecy.

Anakin: I hate you!

Anakin groans and tries to claw his way up the hill. Unsuccessfully.

Obi Wan: You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.

Anakin catches fire. He screams in agony.

Obi Wan: You’re like a beloved dog that goes rabid. That dog that you love so much, but cannot save. That dog that you then cut three legs off. That dog that you then set on fire. And then watch it slowly die an agonizing death.

Anakin’s flesh starts to burn off his body. He screams more.

Obi Wan: I’m really sorry about the horrible prolonged death and all, but I can’t make myself kill you. Okay, bye now. Gotta run.

Obi Wan leaves, taking Padmé with him. He, Yoda, and Senator Organa meet on a distant moon.
Meanwhile, the Emperor retrieves the broken, but still breathing, Anakin.
The view shifts to a medical bay where Yoda, Obi Wan, and Senator Organa stand watching Padmé.

Droid: Medically she’s fine. She’s just lost the will to live. Although that never happens in real life, it does happen a lot in movies. We have to operate fast if we wish to save the babies.

Obi Wan: Babies? Plural? Have you seen her belly? There’s no way two babies fit in there!

Droid: Ask George Lucas, it’s not my idea. Shall we cut them out?

Yoda: Good this is. More than one to throw against the emperor we now have!

Obi Wan joins Padmé in the operating room. The babies are taken from her womb by the droids.

Obi Wan: So, how do we call them?

Padmé (whispering weakly): Steve and Stella. Steve and Stella Skywalker *Croak*.

Obi Wan (hissing): … Steve and … Stella?

Yoda: Dead she is. Call them how, she did? Hear it we could not.

Obi Wan: Er. She called them… Luke… and -ehm- Leia.

Luke and Leia cry, and the last two Jedi look on thoughtfully.
Meanwhile, in a dark room on Coruscant, Darth Vader awakens.

Palpatine: Lord Vader, can you hear me?

The Emperor raps loudly on Vader’s black helmet.

Palpatine: Yoohoo, Vader, are you in there?

Vader (with a James Earl Jones voice): Yes, master.

Palpatine: I hear the scary voice machine that I had installed is working well.

Vader: This room is dark. I can’t see a bloody thing. And what the hell is that on my head?

Palpatine: It’s your new helmet. Now you’re even uglier than me. It’ll be fun!

Vader: How am I going to kiss Padmé in this thing?

Palpatine: Don’t worry, she’s kind of… dead. And it was your fault.

Vader: Aw, crap!

Palpatine (barely audible): Oh, and we had to replace your penis by a length of rubber hose.

Vader: NOOOOOOOOOO!

On the other end of the galaxy, Yoda, Senator Organa, and Obi Wan are in the meeting room aboard Organa’s ship, plotting their next move.

Organa: So, now what? How do we bring the Emperor down.

Yoda: Hide we should. Wait for years. Have Luke and Leia do the work we should!

Obi Wan: Good plan! I’m in. Cowardice is our best friend.

Organa: Ehm… I was hoping for something more active.

Obi Wan: We’ll give you one of the babies if you shut up.

Organa: I’m shutting up now. I want the girl.

Yoda: Great. Obi Wan, take the boy to his family on Tatooine you should. Go to Degobah I shall. I have a special ‘relationship’ with the local fauna.

Obi Wan: Look, Yoda, isn’t Tatooine a place that Vader might visit?

Yoda: To Dagobah you wish to go?

Obi Wan: Point taken.

Yoda: While you’re on Tatooine, training I have for you! Qui-Gon Jinn a path has found to immortality.

Obi Wan: Qui-Gon? He has? Wait a minute, isn’t dying a good thing? One with the force and all.

Yoda: With that to hell, I say. Jedi propaganda. To Qui-Gon I am talking right now!

Obi Wan: Okay. You’ve been taking those herbs again, haven’t you. I’m leaving now.

Yoda: Wait you must. Teach you things, I will.

Obi Wan: Bye-bye, Yoda, see you in episode five.

Obi Wan walks out of the room with Senator Organa and the droids, leaving a brooding Yoda behind.

Organa: Right. You there, Captain! Here are some droids. Take them and have this one’s memory erased!

Antilles: What for?

Organa: No reason, really. He just bugs me.

C3PO: Hey, I heard that!

Organa: But you won’t remember it. Goodbye.

R2D2: bleep-di-bleep (vengeance is sweet).

This last provides a nice tie in to Episode 3.5: R2D2 Goes To Town, where it is explained how C3PO and R2D2 go bankrupt because of C3PO forgetting his PIN number. R2D2 is forced to sell parts of his body (his cool boosters for instance) and C3PO becomes the first droid pimp.

Finally, a view of Darth Vader and Palpatine on the bridge of a starship, surveying the first skeleton of what is to become the Death Star.

Vader: Ehm… I got it! So, it’s, like, a really big magic 8-ball. To predict the future really well.

Palpatine: No, Lord Vader, try again.

Vader: Ehm… It’s for playing galactic pool?

Palpatine: No, you idiot, it’s a huge freaking gun!

Vader: Oh. That’s nice. Say, master, when are we going to work on finding the power to beat death. That’s why I joined you, remember?

Palpatine: Ehm… any time, now, Lord Vader. Really. I promise.
(in an urgent whisper to an officer nearby): Where the hell did I leave the Vader-suit-remote-control?